So I have been dealing with quite a few stressful issues in my life, and I can’t concentrate on writing the paper(s) that I need to so I am going to unload all of this baggage onto this blog and hopefully that will be the end of it.
It started about a month ago, after an annual exam my results came back abnormal. This is not the first time this happened, so I was distressed that I would have to undergo another uncomfortable procedure but not really too worried. I had my scheduled colpo last Friday and learned that what last time was minor abnormalities had escalated into “high-grade cervical changes”. They said they found pre-cancerous cells on my cervix, and now I just have to anxiously await what else the found and what they recommend for me to do from here. SUPER SCARY…. especially when on top everything else, I have no insurance and just that little procedure alone cost me $400. Money that I should be spending on a spring break trip to San Diego. So I am stressed out about my un-happy uterus…
Then…I was dating this boy last year, we broke up when he moved back home after graduation. We were still friends and during Christmas we started hooking up again. We even went on a nice little romantic get away over Martin Luther King weekend. However, this relationship stresses me out! When we are together, sometimes we can’t like a couple and sometimes we don’t, some weeks we will talk many times on the phone, and some weeks we won’t talk at all. I’ve had some bad relationships in the past and I just feel like I deserve something more than what this relationship has to offer me. But at the same-time I am torn because I think what we have shared is special. Anyway my how things can change in the course of a night. We all went down to Kirkland to celebrate my friend’s birthday, this girl who I don’t particularly like was also meeting us there. Well this girl and my ex were flirting up a storm. I was watching, and felt really hurt, but what I am supposed say or do? We aren’t officially together, there for I have to room to be upset, but of course I was. Things just got magnified when my best friend asked me how I could just sit there and watch them!?! So too many drinks later, stressed as all hell about my health, school and family, I became the emotional drunk. I knew I shouldn’t be drinking, I was already emotionally fragile because of the news I had just received about my health and now I was well on my way to pissing off my ex. How do I explain to him that all I wanted from that night was a shoulder to lean on? Then I don’t want to explain myself to him because it feels like I am making excuses. The next morning I snuck away before he woke up, and have not talked to him since. If things go the way I think they will, this may be then end of whatever that relationship was. I am sad about that, I am sad that I may have hurt his feelings that night, I am sad that he hurt my feelings that night, I am frustrated that this guy never tells me how he feels about me, and only shows me every now and again. In reality I don’t think this guy really knows me, thinking about how little I show emotion, he should have saw that something was wrong with me that night, that I needed to talk. I think was scares me the most is that I let myself become vulnerable that night and worst of all I did it when I was drunk….
Then…My little brother is in the Air Force and is being deployed to Iraq. The thing is he hasn’t told anyone else in my family. He says he is waiting for his plans to be finalized, I grew up in a military family and I know as well as he does that plans change all the time. I think he wants me to tell the family, although he hasn’t said it explicitly I know he doesn’t want the burden of that…
Then…I have four research papers due in two weeks. Three of which I haven’t even started. I have two books I need to read, and one presentation to give. On top of that all the classes I need to take to graduate are full. I need 45 credits to graduate, which should only take me 3 quarters, however when I can only take one class that is 5 credits long each quarter that’s going to extend out my time quite significantly. FUCK!!! I am pulling out all my hair, can’t a girl catch a break?
Light at the end of the tunnel…. So what could that light be you may be asking? Well first of all I have an amazing best friend, sister, and mother who will be there for me through anything! And I put my ticket to San Diego on my credit card…. fuck I only live once and I need to see a little sunshine after all this rain.
