A time for reflection, a time for thanking

Today is thanksgiving, and I have a lot to be thankful for.  I am leaving for a trip around the world…literally.  I am just finishing my senior thesis, and i am really proud of the work i did on, an endeavor that i must admit when i first started, i was not sure i could finish, and at times i considered giving it up.  I have great friends, amazing family, and a self-esteem that is slowly but surely gaining its strength back.  I did however suffer a little set back, another Chase episode to come back to bite me… my body and soul in every way shape and form is repulsed by this man.  This man has forever effected me, but i am trying my hardest to not let it scar me, and believe it is taking all my strength, and some strength that i am still waiting to surface.  This man can still flip my world around 2 years after we have broken up… not only emotionally but also physically and i do not mean this in a good way… the only he has ever given me are std’s and heart ache.  I am trying to find a reason to thank him on this day of thanksgiving, and all i can thank him for is bringing me to Washington.  Thank you Chase, (you have no idea how this pains me) for bringing me out to Washington.  Here i have met my best friends, and my self.  It was here that i learned that i was smart… thank you Rae Lynn.  No one has ever called me smart before I took a class with you, and that simple word has empowered me to do things i have never imagined. Thank you Sharron, you made (make) me feel beautiful and wanted in way that i have never known, you make me feel like my opinion matters, more than matters but makes a difference.  You have shown me what real friendship is… despite all our differences, which i think are many more than either one of us recognizes up front.  Thank you Matt, you know how to make me smile despite myself, i can tell you my craziest thoughts, only to find out we are thinking the same things, i think once upon a time we were one.  Thank you Nicole, you judge me, unconditionally.  And i think this a good thing, you tell me when I am an ass, and need to lock it up, but most importantly you help me up when i fall, no matter how big of an ass i have been.  you know all my secrets, you are my rock.  Thank you Daniel, you show me what sticking to your guns really means, no peer pressure could ever sway you, and for this you are stronger than anyone I have ever meet.  For me it was easier to go with the crowd, to escape in the crowd rather than be okay alone,  well it has taken me a long time to be okay alone (and i am still working on it) you dont compromise, i admire you.  Thank you mom, you have showed me what love is, and that i should not settle for any cheap imitations, you have given me so many gifts that i worry i can never re-pay you, more importantly i feel i can never thank you in way that makes you understand how much i am in awe of you and heart.  Thank you Dad, you are my hero.  I respect you more than anyone else for your integrity, honesty, and ability to accomplish anything… all while laughing.  If i have a tenth of the spirit you have i am very blessed.  Thank you my star sisters, you are what friendship is. Near or far i know you have my back, a comfort no matter where i am at.  Thank you all, this thanksgiving away from all of you, i feel closer than ever before.  Every day I am working on being that person that makes you all proud, and everyday I am working to make myself that person i can be proud of.   I am getting close, but still a work in progress. Never satisfied, but maybe that’s how i know I’m not finished…

Hopelessly Hopeful

“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.” Emil Ludwig

Just Because

Once Upon A Time:

There are few things as peacful and soothing as nature, on a beautiful day I just know that there must be something higher than me…

Unloading

So I have been dealing with quite a few stressful issues in my life, and I can’t concentrate on writing the paper(s) that I need to so I am going to unload all of this baggage onto this blog and hopefully that will be the end of it. 

It started about a month ago, after an annual exam my results came back abnormal.  This is not the first time this happened, so I was distressed that I would have to undergo another uncomfortable procedure but not really too worried.  I had my scheduled colpo last Friday and learned that what last time was minor abnormalities had escalated into “high-grade cervical changes”.  They said they found pre-cancerous cells on my cervix, and now I just have to anxiously await what else the found and what they recommend for me to do from here.  SUPER SCARY…. especially when on top everything else, I have no insurance and just that little procedure alone cost me $400. Money that I should be spending on a spring break trip to San Diego.  So I am stressed out about my un-happy uterus…

Then…I was dating this boy last year, we broke up when he moved back home after graduation.  We were still friends and during Christmas we started hooking up again.  We even went on a nice little romantic get away over Martin Luther King weekend.  However, this relationship stresses me out!  When we are together, sometimes we can’t like a couple and sometimes we don’t, some weeks we will talk many times on the phone, and some weeks we won’t talk at all.  I’ve had some bad relationships in the past and I just feel like I deserve something more than what this relationship has to offer me. But at the same-time I am torn because I think what we have shared is special.  Anyway my how things can change in the course of a night.  We all went down to Kirkland to celebrate my friend’s birthday, this girl who I don’t particularly like was also meeting us there.  Well this girl and my ex were flirting up a storm.  I was watching, and felt really hurt, but what I am supposed say or do? We aren’t officially together, there for I have to room to be upset, but of course I was.  Things just got magnified when my best friend asked me how I could just sit there and watch them!?! So too many drinks later, stressed as all hell about my health, school and family, I became the emotional drunk.  I knew I shouldn’t be drinking, I was already emotionally fragile because of the news I had just received about my health and now I was well on my way to pissing off my ex.  How do I explain to him that all I wanted from that night was a shoulder to lean on? Then I don’t want to explain myself to him because it feels like I am making excuses. The next morning I snuck away before he woke up, and have not talked to him since.  If things go the way I think they will, this may be then end of whatever that relationship was.  I am sad about that, I am sad that I may have hurt his feelings that night, I am sad that he hurt my feelings that night, I am frustrated that this guy never tells me how he feels about me, and only shows me every now and again.  In reality I don’t think this guy really knows me, thinking about how little I show emotion, he should have saw that something was wrong with me that night, that I needed to talk.  I think was scares me the most is that I let myself become vulnerable that night and worst of all I did it when I was drunk….

Then…My little brother is in the Air Force and is being deployed to Iraq.  The thing is he hasn’t told anyone else in my family.  He says he is waiting for his plans to be finalized, I grew up in a military family and I know as well as he does that plans change all the time.  I think he wants me to tell the family, although he hasn’t said it explicitly I know he doesn’t want the burden of that…

Then…I have four research papers due in two weeks. Three of which I haven’t even started.  I have two books I need to read, and one presentation to give.  On top of that all the classes I need to take to graduate are full. I need 45 credits to graduate, which should only take me 3 quarters, however when I can only take one class that is 5 credits long each quarter that’s going to extend out my time quite significantly. FUCK!!! I am pulling out all my hair, can’t a girl catch a break?

Light at the end of the tunnel…. So what could that light be you may be asking?  Well first of all I have an amazing best friend, sister, and mother who will be there for me through anything! And I put my ticket to San Diego on my credit card…. fuck I only live once and I need to see a little sunshine after all this rain. 

Catch Up

So, Mid-terms are coming up and I feel like I have dedicated my life to reading/writing. Even with all the time I have spent in the library I still have this overwhelming sense that I am really behind, or that I still have a lot to do…. Blah..  This is just how I am feel right now

So last weekend I went to visit my Sister in Portland.  Always a good time when we are together, and always an expensive time.  My sister and I are complete opposites, she is a planner to the extreme and I am a more fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl.  So when I arrived three hours later than she had planned I had some explaining to do.  Saturday morning, after she got over her anger from the night before we met up with my friend, Lauren, from high school, and her new baby.  I have no idea when I got to the age when my friends are getting married and having babies around me, but it has happened.  I can’t image being that settled in life, but I am happy for them.

Then the great tragedy of the weekend, the Superbowl… Poor patriots, I was really hoping for a sweep season.  How disappointing to have the only game you lose all season to be in the Superbowl, sad.  Although I should say that I am not a Patriots fan, its all about the sea-hawks with me!! Since my men couldn’t represent this year, I had to choose a new team.  The commericals were pretty great this year, but some were pretty terrible and a few were just plain offensive. Its time some advertising agency’s come into the 21st century.

This week was my friend, Trevor’s birthday! The big 23, so we took him out for margaritas and cheap well drinks!  I may have had a better time then he did! Oops! Its always a crazy/good time when our friends get together.  This weekend will bring nothing but homework so not much to look forward to, not that I can afford to go out.  Portland drained my bank account, so I will be confined to the library and gym for my sources of entertainment.  As dorky as it may sound I am pretty excited about a low key weekend.  However knowing myself and my friends it may turn out to be crazy…. to be continued.    

Chelan Memories

Over MLK weekend my friends and I pack ourselves into any available vehicle and road trip to Chelan.  My roommate Maggie’s family owns a cabin there and we are all allowed to call the space home for 3 nights.  This years trip involved 23 people, in a three bedroom cabin you can imagine the sleeping arrangements, or lack there of, sleeping bags and air mattress were thrown in every possible corner.  To be perfectly honest the cabin is quite magical, or the people that attend are completely amazing, I think it is a combination of both that make any trip to Chelan an experience that can never be duplicated.  In reality the weekend involves a lot of alcohol and binge drinking, but then again I am 22 and a weekend of debauchery is never that much out of the norm.  This was my second time going to the cabin on MLK weekend.  The close proximity of everyone in the cabin allows for a certain kind of closeness that we would not otherwise be allowed to enjoy under normal circumstances.  Even with the people I have never met or only see a few times each year, we will always be linked by this bond, through these memories and experiences of good times with good friends. 

This year was tamer than last year, for me anyway.  I had to drive this year which instilled me with responsibility of my passengers safety, and in winter driving I will never take that responsibility lightly.  My car was the last to arrive to the cabin on Friday night and the party was already in full swing.  We played some drinking games, for me my anticipation and energy were intoxicating in and of itself.  The dance party is always my favorite part of any party.  Although I don’t think I am a bad dancer, I am most certainly not a good dancer.  With that said we danced and danced the night away!

In the morning we all stagger down the hill to Maggie’s parents house and they fill our bellies with breakfast and coffee while we half sleep on their couches.  The days in Chelan are filled with lounging and movie watching, those of us still in school try to get some homework done, but we are never really productive.  On Saturday night Winterfest begins, the whole community comes to the beach were they set their old Christmas tress on fire and those crazy few jump in the lake for a polar bear plunge.  Last year the only one from our group was Dain.  This year he was able to recruit our other friends Pat, Quan, Marc, and Steve.  I myself am freezing just standing by the fire so I don’t think I will ever have a desire to jump in that lake in January.  After the plunge a huge firework show and then back up to the cabin for more mayhem. 

This will continue for three nights and then we all clean and head back to the real work on Monday.  The friendships formed and memories made always make any Chelan trip amazing! With life taking us all in different directions I don’t know when we all be back, next MLK day Maggie hopes to be in Australia and that means the rest of us are out of luck.  But we are grateful for the times we’ve had and eventually we will have the time once again to meet in Chelan for a three day binder!

Religion

So I want to start this post with a warning…. These are my current ideas/feelings on religion.  They tend to be on the slightly atheist side.  I acknowledge and respect any and all opinions and beliefs on the subject.

That said, I am currently taking a class on the literature of West Africa in order to more effectively study this literature we are beginning by studying the culture which is dominantly Muslim.  We are reading Fatima Mernissi’s “The Vail and the Male Elite” so in this way I am learning Islam through a feminist lens.  I too consider myself a feminist as defined that I believe men and women should be viewed as equals and nothing but.  In this class we are not strictly looking at Islam, we are also looking at passages taken from the Bible and Torah.  Mainly we focus on certain passages that involve the treatment of women.  It is ridiculous how people can follow the ideas and practices from a book (any book) written 2000 years ago. (when i say this i mainly mean in respects to how women are treated).  My criticism of these books stems from two ideas: the first being people are nothing if not creatures of habit, they like what is familiar and established. And second the books were written by men, and men are human, which means they are fallible. During the time in history when these books were written the cultural norms and practices involved the submission of women therefore in order to preserve the “familiar” wouldn’t it seem obvious in include a passage or two about how men should be the “dominate” and women the “submissive”?  It just seems to me that some of the passages taken directly from each of these texts have the ultimate goal of keeping certain traditions alive.  Change is difficult and scary for anyone, especially when a person’s power is threatened.  The reasons for including the submission of women is clear, maintaining the status quo.  But I question what kind of God would explicitly say that woman’s sole purpose was to fulfill the every demand of men?  And yes this is taken a little out of context….maybe.  If there is a higher power why would it create one being as superior to the other?  Religion is so powerful people go to war and die in name of their cause, it is documented time and time again that women helped fight these causes they stood with men to fight in the name of their God.  Yet when these women are talked about in history they are viewed as some anomaly.  Well women its time to get the story straight, we have been here just as long as men and our part in history and the accomplishments of women everywhere needs to be recognized and not recognized in a different light from the accomplishments of men,  (I don’t want to look at the glories of women from the past and say “oh that was good for a girl”)I in no way want to diminish the achievements of man, I want to stand on equal ground with them.

I do believe in a higher power or presence.  I do believe we are all small creatures on this Earth and are here for only a short time. I do believe that death is not final, and that our spirits continue elsewhere.  But it is time to radically question the views and ideas represented in each of these holy texts.  From a rhetorical stand-point no text is exempt from rhetorical criticism and it is in this spirit that I look at these books.  I am sure I will have more to say on this subject in the future, my ideas on religion change and grow as I do, this is NOT finished…

First Timer

Thats right everyone we have virgin blogger on our hands!  Although this blog has been started as an assignment I am very interested and excited to see what will develop.  I have been meaning to start either a blog or journal for quite some time and I am finally happy to have the motivation to get me started.  The title of “Adventures and Misadventures of Andrea” has been a work in progress and will probably change when I get a better feel as to where this blog will take me.  I hope when I write in this blog I will be almost completely honest… that is to say I believe I lead a crazy life.  The things I have done and seen are worth writing down and remembering, although some of the “names may be changed to protect the innocent”!  Right now I am in between class so I can’t elaborate now…. more to come soon!